Recovering from an affair is hard work and will take time.

The good news is that in the more than 20 years I've been helping people put a marriage back together after an affair, I have never seen a couple where both partners really wanted to heal their marriage who could not.

Here's a map on how to rebuild trust that I call the Trust Scale.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 the lowest and 10 the highest, what is the current level of trust? Let's say it's a 2. Decide on what you would each need to see to move the trust level from 2 to 3, then 3 to 4, 4 to 5 and so on.

As you both look at how this could happen, you need to focus on affair-proofing your marriage for the future.

Make the marriage your No. 1 priority. Get into couples counseling if you are not already. Go to a good weekend marriage retreat and then commit to doing this at least once a year. Study your spouse, and then use your knowledge to improve the marriage.

Do all you can to make the marriage a really great place to be. Remember that the goal is not to make it like it was before, but to make it better than it was before.