According to the experts, people on the whole are becoming more sexually promiscuous. This is partly due to the throw away ideas we have nowadays, increasing pressures put on person by their lover to be the perfect spouse and have the perfect relationship else your sacked!
Yet it may also be because of our natural urges to populate the earth, and like cavemen we are lacking a willingness to suppress these urges.
Well whatever is happening, affairs are on the increase! And the ladies are catching up in the adultery stakes as more women join in the fun and games of cheating on their full time partners. It is because of these facts that we thought we would add this article to the site. Although this isn't the usually kind of article you read on the topic of unfaithfulness, we are not going to highlight to you the signs that someone is cheating on you. Oh no, we are doing the reverse and giving you tips on how to have an affair and not get caught!
Usual Signs and to Avoid Showing Them
Lipstick on your collar
Get him to wear the same shade as you and you'll get away with saying it's your own lippy. You could sound more convincing by adding that you have been flapping your lips all day and that how you must have got it on your collar.
Numbers, messages and calls on you mobile phone
Keep telling your extra marital buddy that you don't have a mobile phone and that you have concerns about the radioactive waves the produce effecting your brain. That way your phone will never tell on you.
You smell of someone elses perfume/after-shave
Take up working in boots preferably on the fragrance counter.
Love letters or gifts from your bit of fluff
Bin the letters ASAP in a public bin, better still get on to the council to put a public rubbish bin at the end of your street. As for the gifts, donate then to a charity shop. It might be painful if it is something very nice or expensive, but think of the good your donation will do? You never know you might go to heaven yet despite your sinful behaviour!
Knickers are found in your glove box
They are a cleaning rag your Mum gave to you to wipe the car windows with when they are covered in condensation - remember never confess to knowing they were knickers!
Love Bites and Scratches from blood thirsty sex
Buy a cat and instantly make it hate you, if you can get a bit cat - kittens arent very feisty, and are liable to do a runner if you keep reaffirming your bad relationship with it, remember you can't blame a non existent cat for the scratches.
Money matters
Build an affiliate web site! You will extra cash which will fund your adulterous shenanigans.
Getting home late
The simplest solution here is to change all the clocks and watches in the house, hey presto, your right on time!
Getting over confident
Having your ego stroked along with your genitals does do wonders for your confidence, but at home try to be the boring, timid wreck you always are to prevent questions arising.
The smell of someone elses juice on your body
It isn't always possible to get washed before returning home, and there will be a time you get caught smelling of sex. No problem! Say you stopped in a lay-by or car park for a moment on the way home because you felt tired and didn't want to crash the car. Whilst parked up it wasn't long before several people jumped in the car and started shagging - ask how you were to know it was an avid dogging site!
Going off having sex with your full-time partner
Buy them lashings of great sex toys that way they will be having so much fun without you that they wont notice that your not screwing them anymore. If the topic does arise however, turn the whole thing round on them and say - Since you have had all these sex toys you haven't come anywhere near me, you keep your toys! I'm going to sleep in the spear room!
What a bonus eh?
Taking more pride in your appearance
Start watching cheap television shows on channel 4 about how to dress to look good, lie and say you find the show inspiring.
Bringing new kinky ideas and positions to the bedroom (oops or kitchen)
This is a dead give away - where are you going to say you perfected these smooth moves? No its better to keep with the same old boring sex routine you always had - you know the one that drove you to an affair in the first place!
If all these ideas fail and you get caught or if you just can't be bothered with going through all that hassle for a jump. We suggest you talk to your partner and talk through all the problem that are going on in your relationship, and maybe seek outside guidance by way of counselling or getting yourself on the Trica show! Life is too short to not be happy, to be hurting other people, and living a lie; sort it out or get out.
Despite writing this article, Sex Toy Testers would like to make it clear that we do not condone adultery, however we do promote sex toys! |
