The title of this article is not a typo: One of the main reasons for stress is the difference between the ways men and women see the world and the people in it. Of course, it's not just one difference - there are many of them. Here we will discuss just one of these differences: the way we react to stress, and, as a direct result, the way we react to other peoples' reactions to stress. It's a double reaction: He stresses over something, and she stresses because she can't understand his reaction. And vice versa: She stresses over something, and he gets upset because he can't understand her reaction. Vicious circle, isn't it? This stress-circle can be stopped simply by being aware of the following simple facts: HOW MEN DEAL WITH A PROBLEM When a man is under pressure he tends to close himself up, push the world away for a while. He doesn't share. He needs to ponder the issue alone. He will only consider sharing when he's found the solution. But when a man shuts the world out for a while, his wife or girlfriend gets upset. She will try to get him to talk; she will try to help him in the same way she'd like to be treated when she's stressed. This only makes the problem worse, because he does not want to share at this point. And she gets even more stressed, thinking: "Why doesn't he want my help? Why won't he share with me? I would have shared with him. There's a problem in our relationship." Women, let him be at this stage. Don't get upset by his withdrawal. He's got a problem and that's his way of dealing with it. He knows where to find you. This is his way, as a man, to solve a problem. Men and women are different. He doesn't react to stress the same way you do. Don't stress out over a problem that doesn't even exist, or go looking for such a problem. HOW WOMEN DEAL WITH A PROBLEM When a woman is stressed she tends to share, to talk about her current problem and, while she's at it, many other things that are on her mind also come out. Just talking about things takes some of the pressure off. Only too often, the husband or boyfriend thinks that she's blaming him for all or some of these problems. Men, she's not blaming you for her problems, nor is she asking you to solve them. She only wants you to listen. That's it. Many men know that this is all that's required of them, but find it hard to believe: "If she's got so many complaints, she must be blaming me for something." This isn't your fault. It's not about you, so don't stress out. Just sit there and listen. That's all she wants of you. Don't offer any advice unless she asks you to. You can easily understand this part, because you don't want her advice when you don't ask for it, either. Once she's done talking, she'll be much calmer, and if you stay calm while listening (now that you know she's not complaining about you), there will hardly be any stress left. All is well. COMMENT All the above is true, yet, some men like to share, and some women tend to close up. Each person on this planet has an individual mixture of both male and female characteristics. If you find yourself identifying with the opposite gender, it's perfectly normal. SUMMARY Even when we do know about these differences, we tend to ignore them. But they exist. If we remember this, and act accordingly, lots of stress will come off, and life will be much more beautiful. 2006 Dvora Ifat and Shunit Ben-Tzvi |
