Sweet surrender? Not me! Kicking and screaming loudly and silently until the end! Not graceful at all.

My ego does not want any part of sweet surrender, but it is clever at pretense. It plays along and fools me into thinking that all of the players are on board and then... WHAM! I discover that some small part of me is still back at the station observing and laughing as the rest of the family takes off on the journey forward.

Now this small piece is subtly messing up the picture or holding back, so instead of 100% clarity, I am registering 99%.

99% at any stage of the game is pretty darned good. But, if you have ever tasted 100% presence, or been around someone who is operating at that level, there is a difference.

So, I am on to the game. I have become good at spotting the wayward 1 % in all of its disguises. A small part of me wants to remain a spectator; an observer of life. I can look at the world from behind the safety of protected glass; enjoying the sights like a visiting tourist.

Hey, Im just passing through. I only came down to earth to check up on your guys... see what was going on. Im not here to add anything. Im just looking.

So, at times, some part of me is not engaged and is not participating. Last year, I really felt the dissonance with this. I was participating in a course that addresses handling resistances in your life and being real with others. I was right in the middle of an experiential exercise with a partner, sitting face to face. My partner was asking me a question. All that I had to do, was to be present with her, stay in connection and speak from my heart with my answer.

Simple right? I felt such an incredible inner struggle. I wanted to speak so badly, but the words were not coming out. I felt like I was an emotional hostage sitting in a chair, my hands held back and my mouth covered by invisible hands. I saw images of childhood flash before me where I played this spectator role... present, seen, but not heard. I got so used to it being this way, that it really became an effort at times to speak up for myself.

Now, here I was at choice. I was face to face with a huge part of me that wanted to move forwards, reach out and really connect with another being. I was also facing the small part that was resisting like hell and making it feel like a painful battle.

I was lovingly being supported, all the while, by my team-mates to take the next step. I had to decide whether to go for it or to bail.

Once upon a time, when I was truly enmeshed in dysfunction, I may have refused to complete the exercise, somehow faked my way through it, or probably never have been there in the first place trying to connect with anyone!

I have come so far, that moving forwards is the more obvious choice. I would have to have a lobotomy to go backwards! So, it is almost a silly game I play with myself, entertaining the notion of going backwards or not moving at all. Pointless really. My eyes are open. I want what is ahead. Of course I am going to choose the path to enlightenment and freedom.

I stayed present with the experience and worked through the inner turmoil and came out on the other side. Relief. Liberation. Sweet surrender!

It is a blessing to do spiritual work with companions who are willing to love and support you through the highs and the lows. It is a blessing to be able to offer the same with compassion, patience and appreciation.

It is really weird when you really consider how hard we can fight to stay in the shadows and the dark. People clutching at their dysfunction, fighting tooth and nail to hang on to their pain, fear, sorrows... Craziness! You would think that we would celebrate and do whatever it takes to break free from struggle. You would think so, but when given the opportunity at a path to true happiness and freedom, we offer paltry excuses.

"I dont have the time." "I dont have the money." "I cannot travel." "I dont..." "I cant...."

These are all beliefs that limit us and keep us stuck. When you can raise your sights higher and see the bigger picture of having it all... having everything that would make you happy, you will find a way to handle the excuses and give yourself what you truly deserve.